01.01.09
Looking ahead by checking my six
Last night I went over to Tom and Jon’s place for new year’s festivities. Familiar faces, and lots of snacky things which included dried fruits and pretzels (with chocolate-dipped versions of each), bacon-wrapped bread sticks, Jon’s mother’s caramels (which are to die for, and I very conspicuously tucked one into the pocket of my hoodie so I could take it home with me and savor it, for I am a sucker for a good caramel), and the pinnacle snack of the evening: beer nuggets.
Beer nuggets are essentially fried bready dough balls that you dip in marinara sauce, and directly contributed to the Freshman 15 for most of the student population at my university lo so many years ago. Biting into one was immediate and harsh nostalgia – those long weekend nights in the dorms, waiting for the Pizza Villa truck to come around, paying your $5 for a large white paper bag filled with these suckers, so good when piping hot, especially in the dead of winter when studying for finals. We were out in the cornfields of the Midwest, Tom and I were, and these beer nuggets loom large in sense memory of that time. Amazing. He did a great job making them, and I demanded they make a reappearance at future gatherings.
We all played lots of Guitar Hero World Tour, which was an interesting experience as I found myself feeling a bit resistant to the experience. The interface left a lot to be desired, and one of Jon’s guitars was having button issues – held notes would suddenly stop mid-note, even though the strum had been completed successfully and no other buttons were pressed in the interim. But it was still loads of fun, and I even got to try out the drums with cymbal attachments. I never get to play drums. And when I do, it’s usually in front of people who are very good at them, so I’d just be wasting my time and theirs by attempting to get by on Easy skill level.
The new year happened (hooray), and there was pink champagne and lots of hugs, and then we watched Kathy Griffin and laughed our asses off until it seemed like it was alright to try and drive home.
Today, I find myself feeling particularly pensive and introspective. I think it is becoming clearer to me that my life over the past two years has seen so much upheaval that I am holding lots of tension with regards to friendships and relationships. I am afraid to reach out, and I am afraid to make myself vulnerable, because things might change. I might go gallivanting off somewhere else. And perhaps it’s projection, or perhaps I am unduly influencing things, but it’s had an effect on how I relate to people, as well. I don’t feel like I have a good read on how people feel about me unless they are stupidly clear, and I get super-frustrated that I can’t relax, that I cannot make promises, that I won’t make promises I know I can’t keep.
It’s stressful, and it’s a small wonder I’ve been able to keep it up this long. I am craving stability of some kind. Nothing’s sure in this life, but you know, it used to be OK to at least think that I could believe in something for longer than six months. I am the queen of loyalty, after all. Sigh. More thought is needed. Or, less. Whichever way gets me out of this emo waltz my brain keeps taking.
I am looking ahead, though, preparing for the next small steps that bring me to a bigger sense of accomplishment and confidence. And one of the ways I can do that is checking behind me, where I’ve been. There are strong signposts and indicators. There are patterns beginning to form.
Mandelbrot is knitting me a huge Cosby sweater of win, I just know it.
